My life is in flux. Things are changing, evolving into what they will be. I am not unhappy about this for the most part, because it's a way out of the mire that is this land and these bogs (well it's still the mire of land and bogs, but with a fresh kate-approved start) and it's me not facing it alone.
But there are drawbacks, problems. I am in love with my roommate for one. I didn't ever want to do that again, as I'm sure I mentioned. Unrequited love is just so...unsatisfying. I mean it makes the little emotional masochist inside me squiggle with excitement, but really it's only because she gets off on loneliness, rejected desires, and those jealous little squirts of stomach acid that jet out whenever someone you love who doesn't love you talks about loving, touching, talking to, or being with anyone else. Yet, somehow, I've managed to attach myself to him completely. I was misled because the whole thing started with sex, and comfort, and togetherness. When he got in his car accident he came here and I held him in my arms. I made sure he didn't sleep on his concussion and fed him cinnamon toast in bed. We made love, we played games, we joked. We sat on the couch and tickled at one another. We were....well we weren't necessarily going anywhere, but *could* have been.
Now I live the separate bedroom, don't touch me, antiseptic life I was running from all over again. It didn't get there all at once, somehow I pushed it there I guess with my overwhelming need, or if that's too self-centeredly focused because the universe had lessons more of this nature to teach me. And now I have a much more functional life on the outside. We tend the bogs, fix up the yard, clean the house. We buy vacuums together and everyone thinks we're married. I got accosted at the convenince store, all because when asked the casual question "where's your boyfriend" i didn't want to give this same self indulgent speech which ends in me crying, so I just said "in the car" and launched her preloaded 10 minute speech about how she thought we were already married and that he was a keeper, but if I didn't marry him I was blowing it.
AWESOME! Hey I might as well, married people don't have sex either (ba-dum-bum-CHING! I'll be here fucking forever folks, don't forget to tip your waiter :) But seriously, that was the day my period started, and it shell shocked me past tears. I just laughed and felt awful, and started this eternal examination of my life over again one more time. After the last "I'm leaving" episode I decided that I was just going to live with this as long as it lasts. Fuck it. At least this one helps on the bog, and mostly amuses me with his insanity. At least he's here and he doesn't seem to want to go anywhere.
But it's those little things. Those little moments when he says something and I realize his self conceptualization DOESN'T include being herein the long term. Some offhand comment, made in the middle of a good and humorous conversation about meeting up at a party in 10 years. It was totally in context, and made the story funnier, but as I laughed my overactive brain just started picking it to pieces and dissecting them into their component fears. If he doesn't plan to be here then where will DOES he plan to be? Is it just a matter of time before he finds someone else and jumps ship to them? Am I fucking crazy to count on anything at all? Should I just pick another fight and push him away? Craziness, I know that. But still...am I just making it worse knowing that the chances are all too good that I don't live in a saccharine rom-com and that he won't after x ammount of time come to his senses and see that I'm the beautiful, smart, funny if sometimes clumsy but all the more lovable, best friend he REALLY wanted all along. Am I just prolonging the agony of the day that he decides that he needs to follow the greener fields of whoever to wherever and I'm left wailing into the hideous tile I learned to walk on.
Ok, wow...that's too much bad feelings for one "morning". Now I need to go follow him out to the farm and work on this restructuring project.
