I fear the feeling I'm getting from the homefront. Maybe it's nothing, but I know he was annoyed I crawled into bed with him last night. I don't know if anything happened but I think it might have, I have a couple of flashes of being "directed" towards his penis, and the mental turmoil of trying to explain I wasn't supposed to do that without something for me. Waking up in his bed this morning I found that I still had all my clothes on so no fun was had by me, but what fun really is fun you don't remember anyway?
Still, he actually brought it up which is unusual, and now that he wont respond to my texts I'm getting nervous. A million feelings conflict for me about it. On one hand there is attachment and familiarity, good times and good works. On the other hand is the possible toxicity of us, the way he almost killed me and the way we're inching back down that path. My desire to find someone to really love me, my desire not to have to witness him do the same thing (although I do wish him the best in that, and every department).
Oh well, work is almost over so I'll return home to find out soon. I just hope for strength to get through it, no matter what it is.
