Days...
People...
They're all the same. They're all so damn unsatisfactory. What exactly am i to do? It's all really just whiny bullshit on top of it.
I have nothing I can really say to work out these feelings of rediculous self pitying anger and an entire rejection of self and life. It all sounds worse when I say it...they speak of the theraputic nature of writing and getting it all out, but it always seems to me it'd be better if it stayed in.
But then its just inside with me all day long. A trip to the store is a 20 minute monologue of everything that doesn't make sense in life. Everything that is off kilter and too the side of how I think it should be.
My only real pleasures any more are shopping online and smoking pot. They're the only two things that consistently just make me say "oh, thats good". And the cats. They are always fantastic to encounter. Everything else can really fucking disapoint though.
The god damned fridge is broken..i have to buy a new one. I have to pay for school. I have to *go* to school..i have no classes to take. I'm going to take intro to criminal justice ONLINE just to pass the semester. It'll all come down to the spring though. Motherfucking spring time. I already dread its coming.
Its mostly because its not *really* spring. The fall semester is really mostly fall. Its ugly and winter at the end, but there are those crystal clear 60 degree days that define the season. Football weather. Sweatshirt weather. Halloween weather.
The spring semester is a deceptive little deamon because it comes right after that delicious damnation of a month of complete sloth. It is a cold ugly part of the year, probably littered with the last of that white christmas you had been looking for which has frozen for a month.
They thrust you back in the dead of this time of the year, to huddle in concrete buildings to listen damply to a boring quiet man to demands perfect attendance and asks *questions*...which need *answers*. That kind of class...in that kind of weather, it feels like sinking.
And finally, after 3 months of long work you're ***almost*** finished...in time for the world to perk up and be beautifuly distracting.
All in all i hate school in general. If they offered an online way to finish I would. But they wont. I'm going to have to limp my way through another year of this bullshit and finally graduate....and then what huh?
Sit on my ass? I can't...but I'm not going to get one of those montherfucking soulsucking mcdonalds jobs. I was at my most disfunctional then. I lost like 60 lbs because I was being bulemic on a daily basis...the sickest part is that I *miss* that because I gained it all back and more...i loved the clothes I could wear, the person I could think I was.
Losing weight is the hardest thing in the world, unless you can somehow have whatever you want and not pay the price, but I dont know...I'm just fucked up I guess. And I hate to have to come to that conclusion, but it seems the summation, so there it is, I'm just officially fucked up. *sigh*
