This feels worse than anything before, ever.
I hate this feeling that has come over me. But now I know it. This won't last. It can't last. And after so long the fallout is going to be so fucking major. Why did I have to promise forever? Why did he have to be so much less than I expected in the end?
I just wanted someone to love me. I was so wounded, so hurt. He took an interest in me, he spoke kindly, he was so gentle. Jon had just totally rebuked me, ruined me, rejected me. JC swept in and made me feel like I ruled the world instead. I've based the last 4 years of my life on this.
Thats horrible. Now its going to end, and its going to be so hard to untangle our lives from one another. Whats mine, whats his. What ever possessed me to believe I could possibly hold something like this together. Its been so long since the real feeling has been there, I don't know what to do any more.
What I fear most is that tommorow morning he'll just rise like nothing happened and try to go on with his life. Thats the corner I'm always in...be the bitch that brings it all back up, or be his bitch, the one that bends over and takes it.
I'm so fucking sick of taking it.
