I talked to Jon on the telephone the other day. It was freeing and depressing at the same time. I realized then that I've lost him forever.
The boy that he was has slowly died. He's pushed it out of the way with gun safety classes and tax prep books. We used to talk about the mysteries of the world, and stay up late examining the stars. Now he rambles on about his 401k and the promotion he can get in 9 months if he works hard.
Its not that I have anything against those things. Shit, bear is starting work tommorow at a regular 8-4 (i know its supposed to be 9-5, but they *had* to be special) and I know its good to be responsible and pay your taxes. But he used to have this inner fire, the part of him that made it so we could stay up till 4am pondering the universe and our place in it. Now I can almost see the circuitry clicking through work - eat - mate - sleep - repeat ad nauseum.
I take it as a bad sign he hasn't called again since then. He was eager to make plans, but I haven't heard a peep, which spells trouble. He's always kind of had an inner link to my mind somehow. He's known to many things I've never said out loud, never written in my journal even. Maybe he felt my attachment break. Of course, it could all change with a look into his eyes...but if i'm right I think all I'll see is confirmation that his fire has gone out.
It's been contributing to the lost feeling, but it's also given me hope. He was strangling me in a way.
