I feel strangely better somehow...
I've been thinking on it alot, and doing some reading, and what I had with JC was good while it was good, and terrible when it was bad.
Moving on hurts more than I want it to, but I need to learn to be my own complete person. I used his presence in my life as an excuse to not be myself, but to let him have the focus of my life. Everything revolved around him, and though he was self-centered enough for that to be fine in his book, it really is my own inadequacy (sp?) that made me so willing to give up myself.
In alot of ways I made him my God. At first, when we started out he made me feel so much better about being alive. The world was afire with beauty and meaning and I was finally *finally* not alone. What's more I seemed to be the miracle that made his life better too. All of a sudden he was a decent student, a good child, a faithful lover, and a valued confidant.
As the gloss wore off though, and his bullshit mother issues rose up and made their troubles, and the sex stuff got complicated, and his life goals started to really clash with mine, I still had him affixed to the shrine of my OK-ness, and like a drug I crawlwed back for more even as the highs got much less frequent and the joys died away. For some reason I thought that giving him my all, selflessly fixing all of his problems and expressing my extreme emotional need would set up a situation where he would *have* to be that God of my world again.
Instead I just ended up pushing us apart, and I accept my ammount of blame in all of this. I guess it's just been a very long and emotional lesson. I never really understood that fucking cliche "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else"...when he popped into my life full of expansive wonder at the miracle that was me, I thought i had found what it meant to be able to love myself, but I actually only loved my reflection in his eyes.
I don't exactly know what it means to love myself yet, but I've figured out one thing it doesn't. I can't actually tell if that means I don't love him though. I think I still might, but in the way you can love a good memory of a time that you can't revisit no matter how hard you try. Maybe someday in the future we'll cross paths again, but something tells me I just have to give up on waiting and figure out what is the next move in my future.
