So I had my birthday. It went well enough and i had some nice messages from people on myspace. I did have one troublesome message though...from JC :/ It wasn't the content of the message that was upsetting. It was actually really pedestrian. Just a birthday wish. The fact that he sent it though...
He claims he just made the account to pop in and wish me a happy birthday, but I know he actually made it months ago, when i started putting a link to my page in my AIM profile. It's not hard to find out when he made the account, but I also did a little bit of recon work of my own and know he made it back in December. So that's a lie right out of the gate.
It's not like I don't know he's a liar though. During the same recon work I found old emails he has saved from an ongoing interaction with some girl. The whole thing went on after we had been going out awhile. The conversations are friendly enough, but he never mentions me until our one year anniversary had come and gone, and before that he had been pretty insistant that he had to "get in shape before you can come and see me" Nothing evil, but nothing saintly either.
So the idea that he's got himself another girlfriend and is sending me little myspace messages isn't exactly that appealing. I had an initial gut reaction (which was backing away from the computer hissing). I think I can truly say I've broken my chemical dependence on the feelings he gave me. Without that insane internal heroin as a crutch or a blinding absence in my life, I can only see what a broken and selfish little boy he is at heart. I couldn't fix him, I couldn't save him, and he was only holding me down. Even though it hurt like fire I'm glad I had the patience to wait out the withdrawls. I'm sure the whole addiction thing isn't kicked yet, but I can finally see and embrace my life without him in it, and it isn't something that makes me feel worse, it makes me feel much better.
Wow, I didn't start out feeling this resolute about it. <3
(Just in case you're wondering, I've in many ways just transfered my internal hornome rollercoaster to something MUCH more rational: Rock stars! I've returned to my teenage years and reclaimed the ability to passionatly love an idol so much you screech at the TV every time they're on. It may not be love, or come close to intimacy, but at the moment it's my drug of choice. All hail Kate's Lord and Savior, Gerard)
