So I'm supposed to be enlightened, but after a day full of people who reminded me of him over and over again I just couldn't let the whole thing go without checking his e-mail. Because I can. Because FUCK HIM. And tonight I'm glad I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm boiling mad, because now I have actual confirmation that he was fucking around on me last summer, with his new girlfriend and her FEET. I read an email he wrote her, and honestly in the end it is more pathetic and revealing about his ugly little life than it is a gut-wrencher, but still. After having known in my heart he was fucking around on me, and lying to me, and letting me support him at the same time, it really doesn't do *that* much to actually know it's true. But it does enough.
I can't let this fuck me up though, I've come so far, and in the end he is *so* not worth it. I can't believe I wasted 5 years of my life on him, but I don't want to waste any more being mad about this. Fuck him, for his deceptions, for his slimy little underbelly, and most of all fuck him for not evolving. I'll go back to channeling light.
******
So I just wrote him an email, which I shall quote here:
I know I'm a sneaky bitch, but hey I got a little sentimental (nice to see you saved all the sappy disgusting emails I sent you...I deleted them for you, you don't need any reminders of me) and logged into your e-mail account. You told me the password a long time ago, and I don't forget much of anything. And I won't forget this:
"Quite a while ago, through much discussion (and said in much nicer words) you gave me an ultimatum that the underlying backbone of was 'if I see you look at another woman's feet, you're in deep shit.' At the time I was in a very bad position being that I was living at Kate's house, you still weren't sure that I was for real and not just stringing you along, and you didn't trust me very much."
It's validating to know that you were the lying fuck I took you for in my worst suspicions (when I used to feel the worst for doubting you!). Like that night you "fell asleep" at the Jehovah's Witness hall. Smelled fishy then, (and again when you started dating her and swore up and down to me nothing went on with you two while we were together and that it had just been "a big coincidence" and it smacks of dirty liar now. I know I sure ain't perfect, and checking up on you only illuminates my own imperfections, but I just couldn't resist letting YOU know that finally I know, for sure, and not just suspect, that you were a fucking shitheel during our last months.
Other than the pain of getting over you earlier on, I can honestly say this last year has been my best in at least 10 years, if not my entire life, so in a way, I'm glad you finally did *something* to kick me into action. I can't say I'm glad you mislead me and broke my heart (all over again, today...I didn't think someone you didn't love anymore could do that, but I was wrong, the memory of an old love that turned out to be horseshit and lies can do it too...luckily it's along the same fault line you etched in before, so it'll be a cinch to heal and I suspect after hitting send I shall sleep peacefully) because now I am free to live and love, while it seems you have blocked yourself voluntarily into a similar box to the one you were in with me: extreme jealousy over your sexual inclinations and the way they show up in the outside world, although from what I read it seems she's ok with the porn, so I suppose at some time it must have seemed like a release from prison.
Despite all my hurt feelings I do truly wish you the best, and I hope that one day you can find someone who can accept you for exactly who you are, and has the self-confidence to realize that sight is only one of five flawed senses. If I had known a lot of what I known now when we were together, maybe I could have been that person, but it's never to be. So, like the title says, this is my final email to you, ever. I'd suspect you'd want to change your password, although I can promise you (as much as you can trust a sneak like me that is) that I won't be coming back. This was the final thread cut, and though I saw a long-haired man that made me think fondly of you today and start this little email journey, I can see now that it was really just a segue to a final goodbye:
Goodbye
(P.S. I can solemnly swear I won't *do* anything to you, or to her. I actually feel more pity for her than anything now. I had been jealous when I threw garbage like a child and let my friends behave like animals, and would have been more so if I had known how you had betrayed me back then, but despite it all, from this perspective in time I honestly hope you don't end up in the same situation with her as you did with me, for both your sakes. I wish you the best in life, and I hope you find your way so that you can know yourself as you truly are and without judgement or sadness. Good luck to you, in everything you do.
