I am...conflicted. My best bro thinks it's all "fishy" and in my heart I suspect it.
But it seems that no matter WHEN I find a life it's fishy. Maybe it's this damnable town, maybe it's the people I attract, or maybe it's just the lesson the fucking universe is trying to surgically insert into my brain. All I can say about it at the moment is that I wish I had stayed the course of my adopted sociopathy and never opened up at all.
Sure, I was what you could call lonely a lot of the time. I replayed the same games, watched excessive amounts of on demand, and wove extensive fantasies staring myself and fictional characters or their real life counterparts. I did occasionally wonder how one breaks back into the world of people, and how I'd ever done it in the past, but these were casual ponderings, not serious requests.
What I *did* seriously request was someone to be close to. And yeah, people want that to mean a penis in my vagina, and it does, but I also miss that couple connection, even as I rail against it when I see it pop up in others. I miss having someone who I don't hate touching me who might actually show me some physical affection. It's not that I like too much of it either, but I get absolutely none. At the height of drunk the other night I shook his fucking hand. That's as close as it gets, and surprisingly, that isn't enough.
I guess maybe the lesson is you can't have it both ways. Either you're a cold hearted, isolated ice queen or you're an open, vulnerable, connected person. I don't know why I think I can play it one way and have it the other, but I do know that if I dropped the ice show I wouldn't much like the ugly raw bundle of emotion that spilled out. What good are all those choked back feelings?
