Tommy pointed out today that I only manifest all this Jon drama because it is familiar and, though painful, something I understand. This rings completely true. I spent an hour on the phone with him tonight only to end up in inadvertent tears when he told me to come to one of his shows, so perhaps I could find some stranger to touch me. And just like that he'd cut me down to the quick and sent a burst of chemicals down an old, familiar track. It's a sick cycle, and this part the worst of the ride. Obviously I'm an indiscretion, and I need to be foisted off onto someone else. The most injurious part? He didn't even know he'd upset me. The tears really only started to come as he described his child's eyes to me. Then I couldn't hold it in any more. It's not like I want a kid, and more over it's not like I want HIS kid, but for some reason, that struck to the core. She is his everything, and she originated elsewhere. I am at best superfluous, and at worst a huge fucking joke. I really have to let this go!
