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Diaryland

So yeah...tonight at 8 he calls and wants to know if she can come and stay the night. I couldn't really say no, but at least somehow she ended up working for me so that's something. Still, the whole thing eats at me, from her fucking updates, to the strange aura going around. I had awful dreams full of screaming and fighting with him, about what he does and doesn't do, and how desperately I wanted him to stay. Shades of the jc demise that left me with awful feelings about it all.

I can't say what I want anymore. I know that I went into this without thinking, just wanting so badly I could taste it, and I suspect that my intentions were not pure enough to warrant this turning out the way I hoped and dreamed. At this point I hope it just doesn't turn into a nightmare.

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