Ugh. You know, I really thought I'd beaten this. After last weekend going well enough after the rough shitty start I thought "well, now at least going in to work won't be a scary proposition". Not so. I live in fear he'll bring her. I thought there would be one shitting-fake-socio interaction when I dealt with his friend bringing a blunt, but hey, at least I'd get high. Now from a collection of minute details I suspect he's got her with him again, and from the previous emotional sensitivity he's shown, I expect he'd bring her at the drop of a hat. Especially if someone mentions free weed.
So now I'm hyped up on the possibility of fear, with two hours to kill before I step into the lions den. It makes me want to just give it up. Sure, it's a great job that seemed made just for me, with its schedule and seclusion. It brings in at least a little money and makes me feel like I'm not a jobless loser. Is it worth this jumping off fear every week though? Is it worth it BECAUSE it puts me in these shitty situations? Is Yehuda just SO amused at the way I've gone and wrapped myself up in *exactly* the issues I guess I have to confront? Probably. But what to do? I mean, if she's there it's not like I can go and have a heart to heart..."Listen, I was dead inside, then I met your boyfriend and I perked up a little, but for some FUCKING REASON you are directly in the way, and that's awesome :) Unfortunately, having taken the risk and failed, thereby making him an appendage for a few months, and you as a wart on that appendage for much of that time has made it so that just the thought of seeing you, post having to have heard shit like your stupid screaming orgasms, makes me want to do terribly socially inappropriate things for a variety of reasons, all of which I'd rather not go into right now". Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT plan.
So what to do, what to do? I guess just go in and play it by ear. Bury the emotions under the ice and pretend that it's a-o-k while I work on an escape plan. All the while I'll be hoping that by some miracle he knows better, but by this point I've been proven oh so wrong every time I've done that, so why bother believing it now.
