Venus went retrograde with a bang today, and in proper style I can't get the old "loves" of my life out of my head. Apparently Jc really is going to be on his way to live in Baltimore with two of my fictional favorites, Jimmy McNulty and Hannibal Lecter. Or at least is going there for an interview, or something, I was only half listening because my mother insisted on telling me all about his family and his leaving and every god damned other thing under the sun and by that point my mind was wandering.
Which leads us to the devil. He's a festering wound that just begs to be bothered with. And I won't do it. No matter how many dreams he invades, no matter what cyber nonsense I see, no matter how many tales of other peoples wanton indiscretions drive me to even consider the flicker of him on my mental screens. I must not. I must move forward. It's that simple and declarative.
On the completely materialistic up side, i get a pretty kick ass tax return considering I don't have a child. This is reliving, although my mother did scare me slightly (read: completely) with her little "state of the plantation" monologues. Basically everything is held together by...dreams and prayers I guess. She apparently has no money. None. Some will come of course, little bits here and there from this or that, but not enough. Some of that is my fault, but then again it's not...the grey area, how I love you so, and how unexpectedly colorful you turned out to be.
She's....oh god. I love her. I do. She's a very kind woman. I am grateful for her giving me life and look forward to helping her more and judging her and myself less. (this completely yehuda approved message was brought to you by the actual physical reactions inside my body and mind which I channeled instead into positive thoughts, or at least I tried :) :) :) :) :)
Holy shit. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll keep looking for my purpose, keep looking for love that isn't sick and tainted, keep looking for some way to save everything I love and refuse to resent the shit out of the whole experience. That's what I'll do :)
