It could really just be hormones erupting even though that time is supposed to have passed, and yet I just can't seem to drag myself up out of the depths. Usually I can just shake it off and get on with doing the things I do, but this time it's just dragging on and none of my usual distractions are working.
Not that its the end of the universe, I was just struck tonight by how sadly true it has become that a meal for one and some on demand have become what I look forward to. That my current sexual "relationships" are fictional and only come to fruition in my imagination, and then only in my waking hours so I always know whats coming next.
I'm not saying that I necessarily want to be domesticated and dead, but god damn it I want to be touched! By someone who I know and who knows me, who I can get naked with and not feel like I want to apologize or hide. Its been so long since I've been touched by anyone, and longer still since it's been anyone that actually loved me or at least seemed to at the time which really was good enough I guess. So much time has gone by that it's starting to feel like even those experiences that I have had are just fuzzy images from movies, moments I watched but couldn't say what it felt like to be a part of. I know I knew once but now it's just faded.
I imagine it is just a dip in the sea of hormones though, and that tomorrow I will wake up happy again with my mostly fabulous life. I know I am lucky and most of the time I'm tickled pink by my kitties and tv time and making myself awesome food that I don't have to share with some olf who wouldn't care anyway and just sticks around because I happen to conveniently service several of his needs. Maybe one day the prince will surprise me by actually showing up, but until then I can't sell my soul just to get laid. I just can't.
