Oh man. The storm is raging up again. Weirdness abounds and nothing is tethered down. So let's start instead with my dream last night since it was (mostly) the epitome of awesome.
First of all, my father-in-writing, good ole Stevie was there, and while it's still muddled like dreams are, I remember talking to him a lot and showing him around the plantation which he seemed to think had a lot of potential (not that I need him to tell me that, but it was still pretty kick-ass). I mostly was amused to be hanging out with him, throwing ideas around and generally getting insight (none of which I now remember, alas).
Then later in a different dream more chunks of my teeth fell out (anxiety dream as I remember? Maybe? I always forget what that one means, but it certainly gave me a shit ton of anxiety when it really happened, hence the teeth ritual) and as I ran around like a panicky chicken the totally-too-young kid came up and gave me a big hug and was sweet and all that awesome stuff that comes as close I as ever seem to having a dream where I relate to a member of the opposite sex.
And that last part does sort of dovetail reality. Not that I got to hug him or anything like that. Jenn did when he got us a vacuum, but she hugs people. But, last night when I went to the movies with Scott I actually spent like 1/3 of the movie away talking to him instead. He showed me his grandparents anniversary slide show, and his adorable baby pictures, and him as the lead in his middle school play. All the most adorable things. Granted it was what he was working on at the time, so does it mean anything? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Does it give me hope? Oh yeah it does. Just like always, here I am.
And speaking of just like always, Scott has snuck his ultimatum the table in one of the least smooth moves I've ever been witness to. Moves back in here or goes to Arizona. Which makes me laugh because I was just talking about Stevie, and Ka being like a wheel that keeps turning you back to the same place to fight the same thing. Or you could say it yehuda style, that your challenges keep coming back at you so you can get them right. However it gets said, here I am, in the face of having to say the no and make my explanations, as much as I don't want to have to deal with it. Of course he's not going to be my problem, why would I take that back on again for nothing? And that's what it would come to, nothing. I'd rather have my new, unrealistic dreams than keep hoping that these old ones will do anything but ferment and rot. Not that I've done much entertaining of those ideas in a long time, and not like anything in my life is more than a bunch of my dreams and a few moments of good feelings.
So yeah, that's my life. Also, Patty is continuing to talk about some sort of strange trust thing involving lawyers and leasing the bogs to this guy and yada yada yada. That probably is where the teeth falling out thing comes from, since I just sublimate that anxiety. I keep feeling like it'd all be easier to deal with if maybe I got laid once in awhile, but I guess I'll have to keep that one on the back burner for now. C'est la vie!
