ARGH! Last night was apparently the coming of the sorta-annual event "financial fight with patty". This time performed for an audience of jenn. Fabulous. 20 minutes of yelling and it devolved so far I actually put my hand over her mouth to shut her up at one point. Eventually we got back on an even enough keel but I know she's still pissed, and sad, and totally mystified that I'm the person that I am, even though she's the one that went out and made me with a loud, opinionated, argumentative dude.
Mothers are hard. This is why I have cats I think. No way there I can pass on any terrible parenting issues since they're all little sociopaths in fur coats anyway. I, as the great producer of food, catnip, and litter box maintenance have a special place in their hearts. They in turn will be warm, soft, and moderately available for loving as the situation suits them.
It's all some sort of test I guess, and when these stupid blowups happen I know I've managed to fail again somehow. I'll just have to keep trying of course, but how long can everything just stay in stasis while I try to avoid getting into these arguments with her and thus avoid being able to do anything to fix the problems. Add into it a big bunch of resentment for having to fix her problems at all and I don't have to travel to far to see why I'm stuck as an underachieving part time janitor who lives for distractions.
Also, last night I dreamed, for the first time in a long time, of being back with jc again. These dreams are always more like nightmares with eerie off balance settings and dull colors. At least I never dream of the foot thing I guess. That's something.
