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Diaryland

Oh rollercoaster, I missed you. Ok, no i didn't, but somehow you always look so...enticing, even if I do always end up in paralyzing fear of falling off.

I almost don't even want to write about it, lest I somehow jinx/change/ruin something that might turn into something, but at the same time the mental ups and downs are ripe to make me crazy all over again and I kind of don't know if I can take going through it all and ending up with nothing one more time. At least online bitching about it distracts me a little and vents some of the frustration.

Part of it is that I like to count all my potential love chickens way before they hatch, I guess because if I count them then I actually theoretically have some. Cynicism aside the last couple of days have been the most hopeful of the last 4 and a half years, and of course you can't go climbing up up up without looking over the precipice and then plunging down down down.

I guess the worst part is that no matter how hard I try to give it all up, to convince myself I am better off alone inside my ice cage, I always melt eventually because of this incessant human need to connect, to touch, to pair off. Every time I open up again to hope I am so fucked. Any little perceived slight sends me into terrors and any minor positives are over-analyzed into wedding bells. A single word, or lack thereof can turn my little world on it's axis. This feels giddy and wonderful when its positive spin, but the negative side leaves me feeling restless and useless, and most of all stupid for even trying.

I guess I need some objectivity. That and sleep. Seeing as I have a large assortment of sleep aids and a few willing cats I think the sleep will arrive first. *sigh*

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