Things are suddenly in full swing again. The weird interlude of constant time off companionship has ended and the flow of the year has begun anew around here. Mostly it is good, although I find myself spiky because of the distance between us even when I don't mean to be. That sweet small slice of time where I traveled back to the world of skin on skin woke up a very dead part of me and now that it's awake again, apparently for nothing anymore, I spend all my time like an oversensitive teenager. I try to interpret gestures and phrases for their possible (please god positive!) hidden meanings. I take every small physical interaction as a flotation device and am murdered by each tiny rejection.
And I don't mean to be this way. I mentally reset a thousand times each day, trying not to be a total vadge about it, but eventually I lose it and find myself curled up and spiky. The best/worst part is that he always knows, notices, and brings it up. In a way its irritating as hell, but really it's also exactly what the vadge is going after in her little quiet psychodramas. Plus talking is good, even if it makes me feel awkward as hell. I just have to find a way to keep myself from getting so high off the whiffs of hope, or so low over the blown up rejections. Instead of living in fear and insistence, I am going to choose to live in possibilities and potential without (somehow) convincing myself they are certainties.
I think it's time for me to get some shut-eye.
