So...it's official. If there was anything, it's over and I'm left in exactly the situation I wasn't looking for. Which I guess is probably exactly why the universe dumped me in it. I now live platonically with someone I want very much to have physically who isn't interested anymore and who in all reality (despite the fairy tales I tell myself spun of the most faint of hopes) will never be again.
I managed to push him away with my closeness and my neediness, or whatever. Combine that with a brain injury that left him unaware of all the psuedopromises he made to me and you get one over attached crazy broad. So he did what any self respecting male of our species does in that situation and he started to back up off it. Which made me insanely scared so I tried to get closer, so he backed up more, little by little ad nauseum.
And now we're finally at the place where I poured my little tear filled heart out and he paced and stayed away from me and told me how it was for him and now I know there is no hope. He is not unkind, or unfeeling, and he still wants to be friends. Best friends. How do I manage this trick over and over again? Kate is awesome, Kate is cool, Kate can even be touched a little bit, but when push comes to shove I am really just best friend material.
And since this is my fucking diary, and no one else really wants to hear all the emo assholery or wants to be oppressed by my tears: When will I ever be loved? When will I have the something that everyone else gets at least a little bit of? I don't want to have to sell my soul to get it, but I don't know what else I have left to offer. Just me isn't enough, or more rightly is too much. I'm too big, too loud, to suffocating. Too much of everything. And that's awesome as long as we're having a riotous good time and I'm your cool friend, but I want to be someones love god damn it. I want to love them too. I want arms to hold me when it gets to be time to sleep and I want to have someone to wake up next to who isn't just going to try and escape as soon as possible.
Bah, bitch bitch bitch bitch. I guess I won't delete it so it marks this awful place in time, but I really want to just hit that little x and pretend that maybe I still have hope here. Why I don't fucking know, maybe because despite my veneer I'm always an optimist. Gay.
