Ugh. Period moodiness, no answer from the weed guy, and this familiar stupid burning to get comfort from someone who isn't going to be able to give it to me. I love monday.
As much as I am actually happy for the people I know who are pairing up and being functional units, in the flux of my hormonal flow I am so god damn brought down by my own loneliness. Especially since it comes without me being alone, which always adds just the right about of ironic twist to the knife. A visit to the facebook never helps. Even the shit that I lost my virginity to seems to be able to find himself a fucking relationship.
What exactly is wrong with me? It has to be something, despite what any of my fabulous and well meaning friends tell me, even if it's just that I can't pick men for shit. There has to be some internal reason that I end up striking out every time here. No matter what angle I try to come at it by I end up sitting here awake before some boy who lives with me, tippity typing about my "feelings" while furtively looking over my shoulder every 2o seconds to make sure he doesn't come out and catch me crying all over myself about him.
I can focus on the parts that have improved, I can think all day about the awesome ways in which my life has come together since he has arrived, and it does make me happy, but I can't ever ignore the part where I want him. The part where the disconnect happens and I wonder why is this happening to me? What the fuck can I possibly learn from sublimating my deepest desires all day long, just like I always have? I can even convince myself after awhile that it's just how life is, but then I hop on fucking facebook and even if it is an illusion I see everyone I know in functional little twosomes that break my heart.
Wow, ok I'm going off the emo deep end here. Dear hormones, thx for assuring me that little "incident" earlier in the month won't require "solutions". Thank you also for making me snot all over myself like a 4 year old, I always enjoy that :)
