"Sorry princess but your Dexter is in another castle"
Just now I thought of this phrase which seems to sum up my life at this point, and while it brings me much nerd/gamer/creep-lover linguistic amusement, it does not in any way represent me getting the thing I actually want/need in my life: physical affection.
As the analogy I've made to anyone who'll listen goes, it's basically that I was lonely as hell before but I could handle it because it was a theoretical kind of loneliness. When I climbed into bed solo at the end of a long day of dreaming of tv stars and herding cats I didn't actually have any one person I was not with in mind. It was mostly an "I wish there was a big strong man here to hold me and maybe seduce me with his smooth moves" idea, and not a concrete concept. Now that I have had some snuggles and they are only just fading into the "I barely remember that" mist I have some really fucking low feelings as I climb into bed, mere yards from that viable human who got me all happily hopped up on my own snatch-smack hormones.
Most of the time I wake up in a better mood, but today I just didn't. I've even been exercising but the endorphins just aren't kicking in like they should and I cry in my post workout shower. I wouldn't notice so much if it were that time of the month, but it's very much not. This is that deep melancholy that I feel in my chest like a huge weight with a giant mouth that keeps telling me I am stupid, naive, not worth loving, not desirable, not able to inspire "passion" (whatever that is, it has become my watchword since he told me he has none for me) and most probably an evil vindictive bitch at some point in my past, seeing as karma wants to really stick the screws in me now.
I want my veneer back. The ice queen gig was good, and I don't know how to build her back up again with the oppressive weight waiting just around every cold corner I turn to kick me back into the hot, stinking, hideous swamp of un-returned love and the self-esteem bullshit river.
