The god damned rolling stones with their whole "you can't always get what you want" cliche. It keeps popping up and it's making me examine my stupid little life. What is it that I want, and what is it that I need? As a human being I need some sort of interaction, affection, and closeness. But does it *have* to be physical? Does the aching want inside when I think of arms to hold me and a breathing, beating heart body near me represent a want or a need? It FEELS like a need, but I've always been a little unclear on the dividing line there. I won't die without it, exactly. I have companionship, I am not alone. I have someone to listen to me, and if I start to shrivel and die inside I can get a hug or maybe 2 hours of sleeping side by side (untouched of course) listening to him breathe. Those little bits sustain me, but are they enough? Would it be better to have nothing, and not feel so fucking cheated all the time?
Everything tells me I have to let it go, and I fucking try over and over every day, but then I'll look him in the eye and fall face first again into "feelings" and I'll have to climb back out all over again. It's starting to look more impossible every time which just discourages me that anything will ever work out and I'm back in the middle of my evil negativity ball. Everything has been too full of synchronicity for me not to believe that there is some sort of lesson here, but does it have to be so fucking painful? Probably :/
