Giving so much ground that I want to flee the scene. Every time I try to get close to the flame I bump up against the window and realize he's farther away than I can reach. This time he even told me so. Painful to hear, but put me back on the path again. Distance; reserve; alternative focus.
Don't think about sleeping alone, think about sleeping with thebestcatsinthewholefuckingworld YAY (even if you wake up and see one of them OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ON THE AIRCONDITIONER WTF!...which really should come out already I guess, and also to anyone who cares about that sort of thing, no worries, adventurous nippy came back inside and got her stern talking to)
Don't think about how he told you that you don't love him, don't really know him, and it doesn't matter since he can never love you since he's still in love with the other girl. No really don't think about it. Don't mull it over, digest it, re-examine it, attempt to call in supporting and opposing evidence from the last 8 months of life, cross reference it with "was he under the affects of a head-injury induced amnesia" (wtf is my life a soap opera? Seriously!). Do. Not. Think. About. THAT.
Maybe instead think about fate, ka, destiny. Think about where you were this time 10 years ago and where you are now. Resist urge to dive back into self-pity pool. Just think about it, objectively. Assume that the future is going to be so mind-bendingly fucking AWESOME that all this icky oogy shit is just the setting up and the planing. It's getting me to the right place at the right time so that the good things can finally happen. Not that I don't appreciate the good things in my life already. So think about those. Count up the wonders of every day, the little times you laugh at the workings of the world. The time I spend where I'm actually lost somewhere that can't and never did exist inside a book or a movie or even a stupid computer game and for that little time I'm free.
Be thankful that picking is finally over. My mother is still insane. And totally a terrible leader. And wants to make me the leader except I'm not. Well I will be, but I won't be her kind. But it's over for another year and I can let that breathe. Oh, and I think my psychiatrist is gonna quit me. I think that's kind of good though. I broke the rules, I didn't go when I said I'd go because we were picking and I got a job interview somewhere else and I wanted to celebrate that night, not sit and think about why I suck, my mom sucks, and my whole stupid life sucks.
Even though I'll do that anyway...damn
