Never managed to sleep, so I'm in the in between world of groggy exhaustion. I came off my drunk and I'm no longer intoxicated in any way, nor am I hung over exactly since I had a nice filling breakfast and many many glasses of tea. Instead I am sitting here weirdly unable to just go to sleep, obsessing over the minutiae of my little life.
It started because I was totally annoyed by the facebook. I guess in his adventures last night he also updated his relationship status to single and his "looking for" to include "a relationship" which is funny because through all his denial of me the reason for it is that he doesn't want "a relationship" with anyone, because he's not ready etc. etc. etc.
Now, of course I can take this the hopeful way and be excited that he's ready to make that step and think all about how maybe it's me and all that blah blah horseshit, but if it was wouldn't he have said something? He knows how I feel, I've never hidden it. If he had any real desire to be with me he'd go for it, and I haven't noticed anything more than our usual "friend" interactios. So moving on to the next logical thought, is he looking then? Actively? That's going to be trouble. I'll wait till the bomb actually hits, but there is no earthly way I can live here with him and deal with that. I've been to that fucking party too many times.
But nothing has happened yet, why am I always prepping for the worst? Because that way when it happens at least it won't completely bitch slap me by surprise. So I can have time alone to readjust myself to the idea of spending all my time alone. Is it extreme to not be able to let him stay here, as a friend, if he finds someone else? Probably. But I've done the masochistic "deal with it" dance and it doesn't work well for me. I spend most of my time anxious, resentful, and consequently bitchy as hell. I do want him to be happy, and if it takes finding someone else then that's that. What I don't want is to that happiness making me miserable.
Of course it could all be a cry for attention from the ex, just to see if it will rile her up since up until recently I thought it was his undying love for her that was keeping him pushed away. In any event though I'll be running and re-running my calm, collected "you're my friend but I just can't live like that" monologue, just in case.
