Crossing my fingers that tomorrow is good for him and he gets this job. Things are already more productive around here, just on the hope of it. We're back to working like a finely tuned married couple.
I've also resigned myself that I will not chase him. I am allowed to feel however I feel, even if that is inconvenient for him. I can love him even if he doesn't believe it and doesn't love me back. What I can't do is string myself up on all this hope over and over again. Every time I get close to him I have to put out all the effort and even though in the moment I have my satisfaction, when it's over I know that I pushed myself on him.
Maybe he'll never come to me. That's the panicky little bird through that flutters around in my head when I'm alone and I'm reflecting on my decision to just avoid the moments I might have seized upon to weasel my way in and get some time in his arms. If he doesn't I sometimes feel like I'll choke on the hope that grows day by day. I'll be all right though. I have my contingency plans.
