What can I say? Thanksgiving was good. Frank was sick and didn't come, and I *almost* missed him. That and I was thankful that Dan was there so it wasn't just a pitifully large solo dinner with my mother.
His mother's was good too. His sister came with her three kids, and the two younger ones latched onto me pretty much right away. I had fun with them though, and it was a noisy, boisterous, cozy day. Enough to make me really sad actually. I know that some of it is just hormones, but still its painful to be in the moment and have no idea what my place really is. It's like I'm auntie Kate all over again.
That isn't to insult my love of that role, in general. It's just that I've already had my experience as the non-sexual constant companion of the fun uncle, and I did it continually stoned and with much more fabulous hair. I want something else from my life. I don't mean to be ungrateful for the human connections I have, but I can't deny that I ache for the physical connection and the (however superficial) security of being able to be "the girlfriend". I've begged the universe for that, and on top of it I went out of my way to attempt to make sure that this wasn't going to be another one sided thing. Because it's more than just wanting more from my life, it's the constantly wanting more.
On top of that I'm sick of being jealous. I don't want to worry about what the ex is texting to him, or if he'll ever stop being hung up on her. Or, god forbid, what happens if or when he meets that person that he does "have passion" for. I know that being "in a relationship" still comes with the same worries, but it also comes with knowing I have someone to sleep next to, someone that looks at me and says "it's you that I want to be with" to themselves, someone who I can not have to feel half-ashamed and disgusted about myself because I love them "that way".
Maybe that's really the worst part. When I'm sitting next to him and I'm having a shitty day and I just want a hug, but I'm terrified to ask and that makes me feel isolated and alone even when I'm with someone 24 hours a day. Or when I'll catch the corners of his face in the right light or have a horny moment and think of us together and feel that oh so familiar wave of shame that only someone who went through high school as the butt of some joke can really identify with. That rush of desire for someone who you know does not want you, probably thinks you're a disgusting, and if they knew you wanted them would be absolutely mortified. Stuffing down that shame, while regreatably familiar is something I wanted to leave behind as an adult, and on top of it I'm not feeling this for the star quarterback or the lead in the school play or whatever stupid cliche fits in this analogy, its for the gawky, awkward computer geek that I happen to love but can also admit is not some sort of greek sex god. Then the shame redoubles on itself, all in the quick quantum moment of a feeling and it can be hard not to catch that train down to real depression.
I suppose I could whine more seeing as the hormones are really percolating, but it's time to go to work.
