Waiting to see if anything will change. Same old drunken song and dance. After a full month of "being good" I guess I went after it again last night. I say I guess because I don't remember any of it, but the explosion afterward. The being expelled, the crying, the fighting. He threatened to leave again, and as much as the whiny grasping child inside doesn't want that, maybe it'd be better. Maybe I could stop loving him if I didn't see him every day. Maybe I could move on with my life.
I know for certain I could stop living in constant hope. I could have a few beers without wondering "will I become a fumbly, feely drunken mess?" I could go back to my single solitary little life. Lots of things would be harder. I'd have to split my own wood (or give that up all together) carry my own groceries, and fill up the lonely nights. I can do that though, I've done it before. Me and my kitties will be fine if we have to be.
Do I think it will happen though? I honestly don't know. I know pretty soon he'll have been in bed for over 20 hours. Avoiding me or sleeping off the hangover? I know mine was pretty monstrous and I managed to get up 3 hours ago and clean up the post drinking mess, go to the store for asprin, make a fire, do 2 loads of laundry and take a shower. Everyone is different though. Will it just be one of those days where he gets up and we go on like nothing happened? Or will he arise with a plan and bomb me with it as soon as he gets the chance? And which one do I really fear more?
Bah, all I can do is smoke my emergency bowl and try to let it go I guess.
