I am feeling the christmas crunch. Not like frazzled overworked parents do I'm sure, but still, I have a bunch of shit to do and no motivation to do it.
I'm also getting my period, so I'm crampy and moody. I'm retaining water, and it's the season of rum and fudge so none of my clothes fit right, and when I catch sight of myself in a reflective surface I want to scream.
I'm also mired in ugh on the home front. I still have feelings for him, but I since our rational discussion the truth has been sinking in. This is not a fairy tale, there is no contractually obligated happy ending coming just in time for the season finale, and he is not interested in playing the roll of prince charming anyway. In light of these new, non hopeful thoughts sometimes the shit he says, the little things he does, the stuff that was "endearing" and "cute" is just....bleck. It's spending more time than I'd wish to rolling my eyes while thinking "I never wanted a roomate, and THIS is why..." It's not meaning to but finding my brain obsessing over the old destructive territory of how I got "tricked" into this by fate, karma, yehuda, or ka. It's wondering after one more drunken evening alone why I manage to become the sister/mother/friend instead of being able to manage to be a partner and lover.
Oh yeah, and I also got the official invite to his sisters christmas morning extravaganza complete with kids and presents. I know it's going to be fun, but at the same time I can already smell the melancholy coming. I'll feel totally undefined and awkward, relegated to the "friend/acquaintance/roommate/misc." category and feeling totally extraneous and out of place. Then the kids will latch onto me and in gaining a role, but also outlining how I don't really fit. How I won't be making one of these little rugrat things anytime soon and probably never will and even though I don't even know if that's something I want, I've never hated anything more in my life than knowing I could have once done something, but now it's too fucking late, so too fucking bad.
Its really not a big deal, and I know I'm over dramatizing because of the hormones and aggravation. Most of the time I enjoy having a friend and confidant, and even have a sick dedication to the idea that there is a happy ending possible, even if it's not with this particular option. And if not, cats. YaY
