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Diaryland

Things to say...

I Maguyvered some computer time at work using little sarah's computer and some hijacked internet. I must have my interwebz if I'm going to sit around mindlessly. But hey I also vaccuumed. It's a reward! Also I had to check my email, do my facebooking, all that good jazz.

The california sunshine finally came (cheryl, a visit will be soon, I promise!) which has left me happily high and able to cope with my life. Which is...interesting.

The roomate told me someone wants to set him up on a blind date. I told him that's great but I can't live with the acid squirts of anxiety every time I hear about this, or god forbid see any such behavior in my own home. Told him I realize I'm being both pre-emptive about a situation which hasn't even done more than be mentioned, and also a little ultimatum-ey with the whole "I can't live with that, but you're welcome to stay if there isn't any of that".

It's not that I'm trying to force his hand, I've just done this too many times before. This is why I didn't want to live with someone I was sexually interested in, and I think I've been upfront about that the whole time. Now that we had come to the end of the inappropriate sexual road, I couldn't just let the idea go and hope nothing came of it, so I told him exactly how I felt, which led to awkward conversation and a night of too much drinking, which from the patchy memories I have appears to have led to me and him hugging in the kitchen where he'd "always take a cleavage hug" (?? i just remember it, I dont have to understand it!) some couch blowjob time, and waking up fully clothed in his bed, which I snuck away from.

Messy. We haven't really dealt with it sense, either aspect. I'm sure he's busy thinking away, just like I am, about what to do. This isn't new, and if history tells me anything nothing will change, or it will change for a moment and then all our attachment systems will kick right in and we'll be back where we started. Either way, I just wish I had some reliable stupid arms to hold me at night, someone I could have a little consensual, non-embarassing sex with, and someone I can have a decent conversation with, and I'd like all of those things to happen with the same person.

Oh well, back to work!

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