I think I see the end coming. Between his perpetual funk, my hard-to-kill yet unwanted desire, and his need to get out and be with "people" I am getting the idea that change is coming soon. Is there a chance that we can survive all this? Sure, there always is, but there are certain things I won't live with ever again, and the churning acid ache of jealousy in my own home is one of them.
We were always on borrowed time anyway. I really believed there was a chance for us, and I've held onto that through this whole experience but if I step back and look I am hanging all my hope on give or take a week spent with a guy who'd just had a recent head injury. I wanted to believe so badly and we get along so well that I just set sail on hope and let reality take a backseat. I can't let it spiral out control again for the sake of holding on though, no matter how hard the attachment is to break.
Does that mean I'm ready to make a break though? No, I'm not, but I smell him making it on the wind. He's thinking over his life and everything that's wrong with it, and maybe it's just fear but I feel like I should be prepared to face it if he decides he's going to move on to greener pastures. All in all I can even see it being a good thing if I totally turn off the part of my brain that will scream and kick and cry in the face of letting go.
Eh, I'm getting myself all worked up again over what will probably turn out to be nothing. If I have to give up the ghost then I will be strong, and I won't let my fear of that eat me alive.
