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Diaryland

I've wandered far into the darkness. I forgot to focus on the positive things, the everyday joys, the successes. Instead I've been consumed by my frustrated lust.

So I've decided to work as hard as I can to banish the thoughts of "why am I not enough" and "why can't I have someone when (__fill in the blank with one of the "ugly" or "obnoxious" people I put myself to be superior over_) can manage to get someone to claim that they sleep with them on a regular basis, let alone hold them when they are sad" etc... Instead I'm going to think about the happy things, the good things. And if I have to long, I'm going to long for the arms that will love me the way I need to be loved, the heart that will adore my strangeness, the penis that will respond to me and not need me to be part of sad head games.

I will let go of the disappointment about this situation, the unknown broken promise of the love that never even got a chance to grow, the worry that it's all coming to a crashing end sooner rather than later. This, I hope, will help me take whatever comes with grace and dignity and maybe even deliver me into the life I so desperately desire.

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