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Diaryland

So...yeah.

Apparently he's going to leave and move out on his own, at some undetermined time in the future when shit starts to come together a little better. I'm doing my best to accept it since I really do think that it would be good for him, and as much as my freaking out attachment system DOES NOT WANT, I know that objectively it will be good for me.

If he will never feel the same way about me that I do about him, then living with him has become, no matter how much more I technically enjoy it, exactly like living with Scott. I can't let it become me sitting upstairs in my room feeling trapped while he fucks his annoying theoretical girlfriend and I have to hear it thus bringing us back to frank/patty to boot. The only way to avoid that is to not live together any more, so it makes sense in a totally logical and undeniable way.

Which is of course why every emotion in my body is rioting against the idea with a deep and saddening fury. Every time I calmly re-explain it to myself I go totally retarded with sadness. Not helping is hormonal shifts which make me sensitive as hell, and able to cry at any fragment of movie, tv, song, overheard conversation, or stupid brain synapse that grabs me.

Speaking of, I guess I have to believe in fate/destiny/ka, or at least bad self programing because my first favorite song, One More Night came on the radio on my ride home, and I cried as I listened to words that so accurately sum me up and yet I couldn't have really comprehended the sick adult meaning of as a small child:

"I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same

And I know it's only words

But if you change your mind, you know that I'll be here

And maybe we both can learn"

That's about as perfect a way to sum all this up from my point of view, and all I can do is strive to be less like that, and more like "I Will Survive"

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