So, life huh? Well god knows, this isn't the first diary I've kept, so its kind of like just jumping into the deep end I guess...I was thinking of trying to dig up some of my old diaries both written and online, but I figured screw it...how many people are going to be interested in my stupid life anyway, so what does it matter right?
So in that vein, jumping in (*thinks* better of holding nose as typing w/ one hand is best left to the boys!). Today was yet another bitch of a day. Where to start? I overslept and made it to my Mom's house late, so she was grumpy at me, and I just couldn't get my shit together, so I figured fuck school and stayed there to help her out which improved her mood (Just think, it took me almost 16 years of formal education for her to give up on the school trip LoL). Then we had drama-drama-drama with my grandmother. She had deteriorated so badly that she basically has to be forced around so she can even be cleaned up...this is some depressing shit if I've ever seen it...Having to be manhandled, and be in constant pain pretty much non-stop and knowing that its not going to get better unless there is a miracle of biblical proportions. On top of this the kid that gets us our weed (i.e. the kid who helps me maintain my sanity on a daily basis)has recently been liberated from the bonds of relationship-hood and is now pretty much exclusively selling his weed to girls that blow him and then pay him for the shit...I mean don't get me wrong I understand his stupid pea brained male reasoning, but I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING WEED!!! I was reduced today to smoking resin balls rolled in the absolute bottom of the bag chaffed shit that we have left over...got me decently high, but still I need this damn weed, especially if days are going to keep going like this one! And on top of all of that, there is the Jon issue :/ A complicated issue to say the least. Jon has been a thorn in my heart since I was still in high school for fucks sake. Whats that like 6 years ago?? We've gone through almost all the permutations of togetherness...friends, *close* friends, *almost having sex friends*, and the ever popular and almost intolerable *sexual tension* friends, where we just sit there, and at least on this end kinda just simmer under the surface and try my best to pound the feelings down. I mean god, I've been together with my bear for 3 and a half years, so its not like I want to put this in jeapardy, besides the fact that I honestly love him...but that doesn't mean we don't have our problems...and problems we certainly fucking have. We fight alot, but I guess we're settling into lives together. Now we live together (well we have for over a year, but are now just getting used to it being the two of us, having to make household decisions, being in charge of how things go...I know thats a difficult adjustment period. And I know that I'm not going to leave my bear for him, and I know that being with him would be worse, and I know he probably wouldn't actually have me, and I know that I'm probably crazy, but then again every *other* time I've thought I was crazy in this situation we ended up doing things that reinforced that perhaps I was not all that crazy. I could go on and on...from the very begining when we used to watch tv and just hold onto one another and pretend that was normal (but oh my god was it comfortable...and well for lack of a better term...divine ...can you see the sickness of this yet?)...to the teasing, to the first kiss....to the last kiss.....so many times and thoughts and suggestions and, well, I'm sure you get the point....so he can't exactly be scrapped, my brain just won't do it. It wasn't a problem for so long because I never saw him...which is a great way to pretend you don't know someone exists....but alas, I cannot stay away...I just like him as a human being too damn much...and I guess I like drama as well. So I've opened up my heart, and my mind and let the demons in and there is no answer without someone, or maybe everyone getting hurt...but I've said so much now I imagine no one but me is even still reading (*hi* to anyone actually reading this...I appreciate it, I do...just thinking you *might* exist makes me feel like I've gotten something off my chest, so my heartfelt thanks and all that goodness!). If anyone is still reading, goodnight...till tommorow when perhaps the weed will come *begins to pray* Please please please!!!