Well today was a total shit storm, but some things went better than expected.
To start the day I had a huge blow out with my bear, which included calling each other lots of names, and him attacking the furniture. But we did resolve things, and at least while we were fighting I found out he had less of a problem with Tommy than I thought he had. So that greatly improved things.
After that I bummed around the house looking all cried out, and finally after about 3 hours I managed to get myself dressed. Then I waited some more to go get Tommy. I also talked to Joe and he let me know that Jon wasn't dead or with the aliens, he was alive and well but just ignoring me I guess.
Well, finally Tommy called and I went to pick him up, and while I was gone my two little sweeties got into a brawl I guess. Minnie decided to attack Peeperson and proceeded to really go at her until bear broke them up. Then he put Minnie in the cat carrier just to keep them apart, and she pissed all over it. When he went to take her out to clean her up, she took a shit on the floor that he didnt see and he stepped right in it.
So then I arrive home and manage to put dinner on the table, just in time for everyone to come over to see us. Bear's friend Dan, and Joe Josh and Jon all came over within about 10 minutes of each other, right as we sat down to eat dinner and watch TV. Everything was extra weird, until bear took most of them downstairs. Then me and Tommy smoked some bowls and I tried to get my head about me.
Finally Jon came upstairs, and we chilled for a little bit. I took him upstairs to listen to the song that I had figured out for him and he was duly impressed. I thought back to all the times we had crowded around a computer and looked at things, in a different time and place. I wondered if he remembered those times. I wonder more if he doesn't. Maybe I am just holding on to the ghost of something that has gone away.
More and more I feel like that is what my life has become anyway, a ghost.
*****
Do you think he ever thinks of me...turns his head and remembers a time of ours...wants to see me so bad he can taste it? Or is it all a big game to him...
But what I really worry about is this growing sense of dread that everything is just gone out of my control...it doesn't matter who I love, or who loves me...I'm sinking into my own sadness, my own madness...I know I sound melodramatic, but I find myself more often these days just staring into nothing, reflecting on my misery.
