I am exhausted :(
I spent the day driving around. We went to Guitar center and the mall and bought all sorts of nonsense. It was fun, but I have that other old school feeling...being *really* done hanging out. Luckily for me its Sopranos night, so all I have to do is manage to make dinner for us before 9 and settle in front of the TV like a lump for 2 hours (must watch deadwood too!!)
Even though Jon said his girlfriend was moving to florida he now says she might not/probably won't go. So he keeps going out with her? He's got some major issues anyway. I don't know why I'm so infatuated with him..after 24 hours of being around him I came back a conclusion I usually miss...he can be an emotional child, a scatter brained, unfaithful hormone.
But I guess it doesn't matter. It just bothers me that his girlfriend is such a big deal that we couldn't possibly have sex with him, but he oogles every thing in short pants that goes by, and hits on every one that gets snared.
Bah I'm sure its just my aggrivation talking. Its not like I didn't know him before. Its just weird to wake up at 22 and realize you're in the same place doing the same things with the same people, even though during the 4 years between then and now I've tried and tried to change my life. I guess maybe its a lesson to let go and accept things the way they are?
Back when I started this thing, bear and I ran into Jon at Wal-Mart, one Tuesday evening. We just happened to stop in, almost on a whim. As we got money out of the ATM, it was like a voice whispered in my ear "look up" and I saw Jon walk through the door, and I knew from that second that he was back in my life. I had tried to many times to extricate him. I just stopped talking to him. If he called, I didn't pick up, if he came by I sent him out for ice (true!)...I mean I tried everything.
Why be so mean? I wasn't trying to be mean per-se. I just couldn't take him anymore. That chest crushing feeling I'd get when I'd look at him and realize how much I love him despite wanting to or not. The way I knew he'd never love me back...the fact that I had a boyfriend anyway, a loving, caring, commited (big difference there), and amazing boyfriend. All of these things made seeing him too painful.
But that 6th sense that we have...it just wouldn't rest. I be driving down the road and he'd just pop into my head...next thing I know he'd drive by. He lives 3 towns over...how could that be random? I think of him in the shower, he calls at that moment. I could list these kinds of things forever...whatever he is in my life, he is it for a reason, and I've given up trying to see what it is.
God I've rambled forever and I've said so little. Oh well, the morals of the story are : stop over thinking everything. What is, is and always will be. What isn't may be, but then again it may not. Why fuck with it?
