I hate this horseshit.
I understand what you do in a relationship when something major blows up. An affair, huge differences, insurmountable circumstances. But what about just slowly growing apart. Do you try to grow back together again? Do you just keep pretending until you're both in a 50's style bedroom with individual beds saying goodnight at 9:30 and turning out the light?
I hate the idea of rejecting him. Just denying him and dispelling him. Its cold and mean. But if i'm not that way then it'll never happen. We got as close as we ever will and it just didnt help. He fully accepted the terrible ways he's made me feel and sat and fucking cried, about how I didn't love him anymore because he was a horrible person and that he had fucked up and every fucking other thing people who know your weaknesses say to get you to hug them and decide you can certainly just keep ignoring that gaping hole in your heart thats expanding.
I've gotten to feel so dreadfully terrible about the whole thing all the time. I've almost come to wish that he *would* just have an affiar or something so I could go "AH HA! Get out" and then be fine with my mean actions because I was justified.
And besides, when all is said and done the only place I can really think that i'd most like to be is curled up in a ball on his chest. But not the him or I that is now, the him and I that used to be, a long damn time ago it seems.
