I'm stuck in the past today.
All alone here w/o my boyfriend, my mother, or my only real friend. In the middle of nowhere, locked away. Afraid to go outside, to commune with even the drive through employee.
I did talk to Jon today. That sparked the whole "past" obsession.
I keep coming back to a bleak January. I think it was maybe 2001? (I've felt for so long like maybe I died on one of those strange lost days, and these last 4 years have been a fantasia of what life *could* be like if all order and goodness were sucked out slowly) We were just about to turn into a republican dictatorship, and the treamors were starting. It was snow covered, and perpetually 7am. Sun shining directly through my windshield as I drove aimlessly over this abandoned vacationers paradise.
I hadn't slept in 2 days. I had recently began to feel like my soul was falling out through my shoes. I was still friends with Jon and Jeremy and Joe and all of them, plus I had only started dating JC 3 months before, so I drove up to their school to say "hey" before they had to be inside. The whole ride there all I could feel was that even in the midst of everything else I was completely alone. And something was very very wrong.
That was about when I started playing everquest. And working at McDonalds. Can you see the general downward life spiral?
I feel like I'm staring over the edge of that exact same thing. Jon is coming to see me tommorow, or Monday. If things go bad between me and JC I know he will try to string me back up. He may even succeed. I'm a terrible mark, i know it already. He knows my soul to well, I crave the hurt too much.
I'm getting thinner by the day. Its a good thing, I don't regret it. But whenever this happens I feel like I'm losing an essential part of me. Like something is going to be exposed.
Mostly though I miss how much I used to love him then. It was the only way I survived those dark days. If more are coming and I have to face them alone, I dont know how well I'll fare.
