I'm lost on how to fix my broken sex life. I know I could give bear sex for christmas and set all his other presents on fire and he'd be happy. But every time I think about having sex with him I'm fine until I remember what it is he's thinking about. Then I shudder. Then the idea of sex seems like an overwhelming task.
Thats not how it should be. It didn't even used to be that way. It's a terrible thing to have to admit, and I wish it wasn't true. Catching him all those times secretly(curently) collecting a hoard of his particular pornography. I'm not a person who has a problem with porn, I don't particularly like it, but I never felt against it like this before. I understand man is a sexual beast, and I understand that visual stimulation is important...but it was just the pure volume, while he was still getting it from me regularly that really started turning me off.
What can I do about that though? I know if I go downstairs and search hard enough I'll find that deeply hidden folder...just knowing its down there takes whatever limited libedo I used to have and stamps it out.
I feel like maybe since I'll be pretending to be a nice person on Christmas eve I can just keep pretending and just do it. We have so many other things in common, I've just have this gnawing feeling that my sexual feelings have gone away maybe forever. My posibilities are really only ending it (so painful) pretending (so hollow) or watching to see how long it takes till he breaks (so cruel).
I wish I was a better actress.
