Right, so yesterday bear and I talked about things that were wrong.
I brought up how ugly and terrible it made me feel when he looked at porn while I was available and willing, and it broke my heart when he promised not to and I still found him at it again, and that was pretty much what stopped me from being able to feel anything romantic towards him at all.
He felt bad about that and told me about all the shame he felt surrounding the things he likes, and how the only time he didn't feel guilty was when he was looking at porn. I still don't exactly understand after all this time how he could still be embarassed and ashamed while he's with me, but I can totally pin this one on his mother too.
God damn it, she really does fuck up my life. How can just some old maladjusted woman be the one to totally fuck everything up? I do feel worse for him because he actually had to be *raised* by her, but the echos of all that are starting to really make shit hard for me too. Its like having to raise him all over again in so many ways, and I never claimed to be even half decent at keeping myself in line.'
Oh well, at least we talked. Its a step. We're going to try and take it slow and spend some time together like on a date or something like that. Maybe it'll work, who knows?
