I had an entry last night that I had to stealth close when I got caught in here writing. That makes me feel all ilicit, but its just so much easier to have a place to vent my frustrations that I don't constantly fear him reading. Things already go bad enough when we talk about these things and I edit myself for his hearing.
But anyway, last night I ran into one of those small moments that kind of exemplifies the whole. On its surface its trivial, and I'm not at all worried about the literal *content* of what happened, just the thought processes that drove it.
So we had some cheese dip, I figured bear would know enough to save me some because I was sleeping when he decided to eat it, he didnt. I didnt know though and woke up later on and made him a snack. I figured the perfect dip for it would be my cheese dip that I must have waiting for me and decided then I'd give him my portion to eat with his snack.
I went looking for it, and found that he had indeed not saved it, and it all just kinda washed over me: I had been ready to give him something he had *never* even entertained the thought of saving for me.
Sure I'll live without the fucking cheese dip. In fact my arteries are probably doing a dance of joy right now, but that thought just jumped right up and bit my ass, and its applications to the rest of our life scare me.
Of course then we did talk about it a bit, and it always is some innocent excuse about why he thought this or then he thought that which he didn't want to say because I'd get mad.
And thats when I stopped because I realize he had not offered it to me because at the store I told him to pick out a different kind because the one we wanted we didn't have a coupon for. Which he translated into meaning I didnt like the dip he picked out, which meant he didn't have to save it for me.
So he thought of saving it, then a total mind fuck made him think otherwise. And the implications of *THAT* made me get into my bed and sleep until now.
