I used to be one of those people that could recap long lists of insider jokes that would make people crack up if they were "in the know".
I miss that sort of. It was alot of work to maintain, but felt really good sometimes. It also felt hollow, and that scares me most of all. I struggle with the idea of friendship all the time. I half think I should be normal and have some sort of group of friends that I go and do *things* with. But I've already done that. Besides, in this town, all there really is to do is go out and drink, or stay in and drink. It's a sad small place thats quickly outgrowing itself. What else is there to do but get drunk?
Mostly, I just wish I could ignore the glaring truths that confront me about the people I know. It's rude, I know, but its something I've always done. I can *read* people, or whatever, rather well and its only too soon before each person I know becomes the sum total of where they're going and who they'll be. Sometimes they're too good for me and I'm scared because they have ambition and stride...mostly though its this dead pool of settled acceptance. The people who get knocked up (or knock up their girlfriends) work a shitty job, pay the rent, raise the kid, turn 45...etc. etc. etc.
It's hard to talk to people when you can see their whole dismal lives play out in front of you. Add alcohol to the mix and you get yourself one *completely* socially retarted person. I used to work hard at keeping up the facade. Since I had to go to school every day anyway I was already 3/4ths of the way there. Besides masking my contempt for the biased, unethical mess I recieved as a high school education, it was easy to put on the "oh, its great to talk to you, aren't you witty...those recycled jokes are hella funny and I can't wait to drive you all around town listening to more before I pay for your dinner because you "forgot" your wallet!"
Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends in their own ways. I miss them lots and I wish often that I could get over my-fucking-self long enough to be human again. Its just not working.
