I took a picture of my backyard in the rain today:
http://members.aol.com/exdisenchantress/backyard1
I'd put it straight in here, but A. I dont exactly know how and B. Its fucking huge. It doesn't quite capture it the way I first saw it, because I was a story higher looking out the window, but it had looked like all the trees were on fire, and since we'd been having a thunder and lighting storm all afternoon, it had been possible.
Anyway, a bright moment in the middle of this last shitstain of a week(life). Lately I just feel numb. The overwhelming saddness about our little relationship seems to have just been a symptom of PMS. Now its just this kind of "holding pattern" feeling.
In a way it's really fine. I think that maybe all I got was that little bright star of passion and lust once long ago, and now my lot is to just have this kind of sterile, a-sexual relationship. The scared part of me that has been reminding me since childhood that I am fat and useless and unlovable to the opposite sex screams out that at least I *have* a man, and that I'd never find another who wasn't just going to give me a tickle and two pumps before he was out the door w/ the 600 bucks he weaseled out of me (I know myself).
But that terrible part of me instilled by my ever so determined 6th grade teacher that says "You can do anything to which you put your mind" is also screaming about how it doesn't matter if I never find another man, fuck another man...in fact DO fuck another man, just BE ALIVE FOR FUCKS SAKE.
But its all a moot point, becuase lately I've forgotten what feeling sexual was like. Even thoughts of good ole Peter Steele barely get the engine turned over, let alone revving. I'm only 23 for fucks sake, I shouldn't be dried up yet :(
But fuck it for tonight. I found out that my favorite role model, Jennifer Saunders did a voice in Fable, so I've been talking to everyone to see if I can find it. Faciniating huh? Nope, but it sure does keep the mind of *other* matters.
