So...
Today we went and talked with my mother...I found out the evil conglomerate that is buying up my sacred space and converting into condominiums is interested in a fairly sizable portion of my birthright...which we may sell to them for the right price. I am rather indifferent about that actually in light of the second bit of news.
It seems Jon came around on Saturday to visit my mother and get the official scope on the situation, as well as to drop tid bits of information such as he's trying to get in touch with me and has broken up with his girlfriend.
So temptingly scary and cyclically perfect. Shit. Half of me desperately wants it to happen, the other (sane) half knows it is stupid...at the very least dangerous. But once I did actally care for him, and I couldn't ignore that animal "thing" that I felt on evenings much like tonight 5 years ago.
When I think of the me that I was then...I was the girl who had just broken Josh's heart to feel Jon's hand move another inch up my thigh in that incredible month long game we played...inch by inch, breath by breath,until it broke passionatly open one druken night,went on for two weeks, and was done in a flash.
I had barely finished mourning that confusing entanglement and in came JC...and I jumped into him for all the wrong reasons. I felt so...used and second rate. The reason the whole Jon thing ended was because his old girlfriend decided she *did* love him again, and how could he say no to her little 110 lb. cracky tesno ass (I'm being overly mean...she had her own issues and was in every way a hurt little child who he wanted to save and who wanted to fix him in the very same way...anyway)...and in light of this I felt fatter, more unwanted, and sexually useless than ever before.
And there before me stood this 16 year old hunk of male meat that was Jon's opposite in every way. Sexy and risque, I had heard HOURS of stories of his exploits religiously rehased by my loser circle of friends who usually couldn't manage more than a pump and tickle with the local harlot under the influence of quite a bit of jack daniels. And he talked to me. *Listened* to me. FLIRTED with me. I was alone with him at a motherfucking P.O.D. concert (I was there to see Hed PE at least) and I swear despite the pumping bass and crushing crowd, we were the only people there. It was fucking magic. Fuck Jon, and his perfect skinny dumb girlfriend.
(5 years)
And here I fucking am...heartbroken over the things that man who once made me feel so wonderful wouldn't be able to give up to bring me a moment's peace. And now Jon is back...broken up with yet *another* skinny littl-er girlfriend and sniffing around my mother's door. I have to give her credit...she did try and avoid his questioning, but he is too direct to be disuaded by her passive aggressive attempts.
So now he knows I'm free. And he knows I know he's free. I am supposing the next move is mine...In so many ways I've been lonely for much longer than the two months its been since JC's been gone. It was a year and a half where we just drifted farther and farther apart and I know how I get in Jon's presence. Stupid, and flighty. It's the pheremones or something...it's definitly "in the air" though...it's breathing in exquisite sin, the kind of intoxication that only carnal animal contact can bring. That, I miss. Terribly. Argh!
