So alot can happen in an afternoon where nothing happens. One of my tires popped on the way to school, so I ended up missing class like I knew I would all along. It was ok though, the tow truck guy was very non-sausage and refreshing. He didn't know dick about fixing my car though, which while endearing in general, kinda sucks in a tow truck man. You kind of need the whole sausage deal in that situation, even if it can be just a tid bit insulting.
Anyway, I ended up having to interupt Tommy's day and have him come get me, which he was very nice to do, and while making him rehash the whole fucking Jon situation *one* more time on the way home, we basically laid out exactly what he was doing and why (which is unusual for Jon...we usually can't read him at all. This time however, Tommy was able to tap into his penis sense and figure out the technics of his latest man behavior <3!)
Then, later, almost on cue, he called me and basically validated every single thing we had said. He was himself again...he throws out a couple of those delicious teasers...he says he thinks he might go back out with his girlfriend...he told me he "doesn't want to fuck with my head". Just like last time :/ Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Work me up and tear me down. Slave to the rhythm of my own caged desire. FUCK!
It's been so long. I want to be kissed on the razor edge of forever. I want to feel for a small moment once again just a fraction of the heat I used to know. And when I read between his lines, in a thinly veiled way he is holding the promise of that out to me...
He *says* he'll be over tommorow...we'll see about that. It's a rather new ball game these days. I'm no longer a teenager lost in infatuation with one of those lovely secritive, unavailable men. That's still what he is of course, but I no longer wish to "break down his walls" and "find the real him" or any of that other un-do-able horseshit. I've tried that so many times, with so many people, but what I've consistently gotten for results is that it's only once you stop trying to get inside the walls that you have any chance at all of them trusting you enough to let you in (which they may never do, it's still at best a 50/50 shot).
And even once you get in, you may find that you can do little to help them anyway. Fixing someone else isn't my mission. That isn't to say I don't try to be a good shoulder for sympathy, a good ear for listening and the like, it's just I've realized that in the men (and quite honestly women too...it's a human thing) I've loved their demons are something much bigger than anyone but they themselves can face. You can hold their hands while they try, and be there afterward to comfort or congradulate, and maybe, just maybe, be the person who shows them a new way to see, or feel about something old and painful, but you can never force the change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I've learned what I need to not to get hurt by him when he inevitably goes back to his girlfriend for the ego boost. I'll play the part of the girl that gets her jealous because I'll show her that there are people out there who want him. I don't exactly mind because I don't exactly see myself marrying him or anything. I do love him, but I don't love him like that. I'm finding out that love isn't as simple as 1+1=2 (Happy/forever).
But hey, at least maybe he really will come tommorow. You never do know.
