Ok, so the post orgasmic glow has mostly lifted...and I kind of feel just a little like a whore. I think that's mostly my conditioning to situations like these though.
He left with little more than a hug, and a promise to return at an unspecified date, or to maybe give him a call sometimes. So excruciatingly vague.
Last night...was the culmination of 5 years of waiting. Years of unfufilled dreamings, yearnings. Forcefully sanctified in my there-before untouched bed. It was everything I thought it would be, a little more real and gritty than my imaginings, but as I licked the sweat off his neck and screamed on the edge of my nth orgasm (after 8 i stopped counting, there was no woman left, just a wanton howling bitch-beast) I suddenly realized I was *here* in this moment, doing this thing that I'd imagined impossible for so long.
It felt good, powerful. We lasted for whate seemed like forever. He eats pussy like a god. He even complemented me on my fellatio, although I've been out of practice for over a year and a half. Yet, still, he had difficulty climaxing, and I dont really know if he did. By that point I was on top, and after the fact I was only barely able to grasp onto the human being inside of me to check out the situation. The better part of me was just a wet rag doll, well used, adequatly loved, and crumpled in a heap on the bed. I think he maybe didn't come, but at this point, if I'm "having sex like a man" as Carrie so eloquently puts it, then I dont care right?
So how come I still care? I've managed to conqure the parts of me that wanted to say something assinine mid-coitus, like (gasp) I love you. Because maybe I *do* love him, but it's not *that* kind of love. If he goes and screws someone else right now,I honestly don't care in the sense that it makes me jealous. I love him in a much broader sense, and I dont need him to be mine only.
The first time around I wanted the whole package, I wanted him, and love, and a "relationship" and all of that shit. So instead of him I got JC, who gave me all of that, and it was wonderful till it colapsed on itself and was horrible. I don't want that again. At least not for a very long time. Right now, I just want to be able to feel good about this a little bit longer, because around the edges that bad, socially conditioned feeling is creeping in...
