I'm stuck in some karmic loop, stuck standing forever in my front yard in his arms...warm and enveloped and safe, yet knowing fully well that as an interloper I can only stay for so long...feeling the moments tick away almost before they happen...deliciously connected, yet all too soon withdrawn and thrust back out into the cold October air.
how could I have ever believed I could step back into him and not come out broken and bruised? is that what I'm looking for? or do I have any idea? why does my vagina always have to GET like this. I don't want think he's beautiful, or a fucking special snowflake, but I JUST GOD DAMNED DO AND I ALWAYS FUCKING HAVE.
every single time I've convinced myself otherwise it was a long complicated lie...the truth is I gave him my fragile little beating heart on a plate so long ago. in ever so many ways I think that helped to sink me and JC. I loved him surely, but it's a kind of hollow love without your heart.
it's not like I mean to feel this way about him. I don't want to exactly, but how can I fight the unspoken, the chemical, or that light in his eyes? I've tried so many times, and in the end I always end up right back in this exactly spot, relishing the memory of an all too brief moment in his arms :/
