There is so much productive stuff I should be doing. Piles of school work, and failing that, piles of housework. Instead though I'm paralyzed by the date and the time and the cycles of my fucking life.
There is just *something* about October. All my favorite things, my favorite times, my favorite people have been won and lost during these perilous 31 days.
I hate being so lonely. I hate knowing that I love Jon, a man who can never really love me in any way that is healthy or sane, in an unconditional, almost fucking transcendant, way. I hate knowing that I also love JC, but in a fractured and ever so conditional way. I didn't mean for it to be that way, and I can't exactly help it.
Still the aching pit in my stomach remembers what it was like to have someone, right there, with me. I have no idea if either of them did, do, or even fucking can love me in a way that I need, but I do know how comfortable it was to know that no matter what I didn't have, I did have JC there at home.
I know it wasn't perfect, I know that he really didn't value me enough or contribute enough, and I know I can live without him and the comfort of having him around. It just hurts, and makes me feel like making stupid desperate choices sometimes as the minute go by.
