Where is this all going?
Why does it matter so much?
How can the stakes be *this* high, and yet also be nothing at all?
How do I get into these situations?
As I sat there on the couch today I felt an oh-so-familiar connection. I can sit with him. As platonic as I've ever sat, and it is comfortable companionship. But I thought I had put in for so much more than that. If I want someone to sit on the couch and NOT have sex with I have a fabulous friend who does it better than anyone. What is this wall, and why? Is it the imperfections that the girl voice inside my head points out incessantly? Is it him?
Or is it just that I need patience? If I wait long enough will the fairy tale become real and the mass of connections and similarities between us burst into something passionate and sexual? Does that ever really happen? Maybe I'll just have to get used to filling my male interaction and emotional connections quotas from friends and getting my sexual "satisfaction" from myself. Boo to THAT!
My inspiration, a woman who called out to her hero and he actually came said this about him: "I do not have to be anything or look a certain way or maintain some arbitrary standard to keep him by my side. He loves me. Flat out. Fat or thin. Primped or plain. My outside is forever beautiful because it's the container for my heart and my soul, those being what he's really in love with." THAT is what I want. Here and now in him. And maybe that's not possible. I've finally lived long enough to realize that just because you ache for something doesn't mean you'll get it. I have to be ready to let it go if it turns out it isn't right.
I just checked out my horoscope for the week and this is what I get: "Patience can be critical to maintaining a romantic mood." I guess I'll stick with that for now.
