Half of me wants to read into every little thing he does. To deconstruct the things he says and reinterpret them as signs and clues as to feelings or affection.
The other half is occupied with never showing my hand. To keeping my feelings hidden behind facts and the ice facade that has protected them for so long. This may be what is killing me in the long run. If he's reading me for signs as well then I may fail to give them, and then might miss some fabled opportunity.
I don't know quite how I got here so suddenly. Even opening myself up a little bit has brought me further than I think I was ready to go. I'm trying to mentally prepare to have my personal space breached. It really already is though. My paper journal needs better hiding, the raw edged screaming emotions it restrains can't be discovered.
How i'll break out of my terrible shell remains to be seen. From my tarot: "The structure of the new relationship is still somewhat up in the air...Change is not only required of you, it is inevitable" - sounds about right
