So as I was contemplating shutting down and giving up all human hope one more time, I asked an oracle for it's advice. This is what I got back:
"Remaining open to the forces of attraction brings good fortune. Closing yourself to them heralds the dying of the soul. Learn to yield to the natural tugs and pulls of the heart."
If only my heart didn't tug and pull me in all the most painful ways. My gift from the universe seems to be firmly not mine, in anything other than a platonic sense. This hurts, considering that I have had maybe more of this one kind of frustrating love than any of it's kindred during this particular voyage on earth. Not that this kind of love is useless, or bad. Far from it. It does become rather tiring as the only kind however.
And Jon...is there anything at all left for me to say about him? It seems that for the last 10 years of my life I've been pining over him for some stupid reason or another. Given up on him, only to watch him weasel his way back in during my moments of extreme weakness. Allowed him, even when every rational cell in my body screamed and prayed for me to run, hide! And now, far beyond knowing better I'm back on that same emotional ground begging for answers that never come. I deserve no sympathy for this.
Still, in the face of this, all signs point to my having to NOT give up. To not just decide my cats can love me enough. To not join a nunnery. To keep my ears perked and my eyes open and to not just automatically dismiss everyone and everything just because so far it hasn't worked.
